THE LAST POST

it's nearly the end of the year folks
and it's the end of the line for the aol
its heavy cyber load propped up by some faraway server
pumping out large quantities of heat and see oh too
into our life-sustaining but damaged atmosfear
i'll leave it up till the end of the month
just in case any of ya feel nostalgic
fireseed forging ahead
starting afresh with an exciting new blog
but dontcha worry
same quality can troll
same old cut and trust
same know holds bard
insightful cement
and witty re-party
thank you all for yer loyal tea...
and look for word to seeing ya on the new blog

ps: new albumen coming soon!

love
f
xxxx

BACK IN ANGER

i salute you
my patient ones
you dogged seedlings out there
who have kept on watching this space
as autumn golds faded into winter greys
as the stock markets waned and imploded
as credit crunched disconsolately through the fallen leaves
as the media frenzy reached fever pitch
over centaur o'barmy's impending election victory
that historic moment
when the first ever irish horseman reached the white house
as that nice mr mandelson returned to the government fold
after his brief spell in the euro playground
bullying into submission
some poor little countries with neither cash nor clout
same as ever
money talks
money walks
the credit crunchy
the o'barmy gravy train
mandy's our man
the new boss looking suspiciously like the old boss
the concerns of the rich and powerful
writ large over our tv screens and radio waves
tragically distracting us from the everyday catastrophe
of grinding poverty and environmental destruction
unravelling in the margins of our attention
but dontcha worry your little heads folks
dem most generous n contritious bankers n traders
will nobly troubleshoot that nasty financial glitch
that dashing new young pressie dent erect o'barmy
will scare away the big bad wolf
aint nothing too serious
aint nothing a little trillion-dollar bail-out
or a new fella on the driving range can't solve
as for fireseed
he writes his songs
he makes his music
he haltingly embarks on a new journey
following a faint and tortuous trail through dense forest
clambering over fallen trees
stumbling through thick undergrowth
to a destination still unknown
his mission somehow to ease the grinding poverty
to slow the environmental destruction
that engulfs the world's peripheral vision

CHARISMA

i attract you like a moth to a lamp
grow on you like interest in a bank
convince you like a salesman
woo you with my marketing
enslave you like a junkie
ensnare you like a trap
charisma

i entrance you like a hypnotist
i heal you like a therapist
soothe you like a painkiller
relax you like a masseur
elude you like a mirage
delude you like an ego trip
charisma

i beguile you with my entertainment
i amuse you with my wit
i inspire you with my passion
i impress you with my gravitas

i move you with my pathos
i intrigue you with my novelty
i shock you with my frankness
excite you with my spontaneity

i delight you like a shiny new toy
thrill you like a 21st-century boy
romance you like a romeo
seduce you like lothario
mesmerise you like an indian snake charmer
charisma

DEPTH

bored of the sealine
tired of mucking about
of paddling in the shallows
at the edge of the great ocean
i go deeper
i immerse myself
i breathe in deeply
dive beneath the surface
kick hard
swim down
and then down some more
to the uncharted waters
the dark caves
where the strange sea creatures dwell
to the bottom
where the lost cities lie half-buried by shifting sediments
there i gaily scoop up handfuls of facts from the sea bed
discard the useless opinions
swim upwards
and reemerge
staggering out of the sea
onto the beach of familiarity

DARK

dark is magical
who knows what supernatural forces move among its shadows?
dark is beautiful
the moonlight shrowds the trees and hedges with its soft glow
dark is lonely
staring out alone across the empty street
dark is exciting
who knows what might happen on a night like this?
dark is possibility
wild dreams harboured and nurtured in its fingers
dark is renewal
sleep replenishes the weariness of the day's end

THE STIFFS

the stiffs are old before their time
the stiffs are closed to an open mind

the drag with the stiffs is they're too uptight

the stiffs can't remember what youth was like
the stiffs can't bear us having fun
the stiffs only want to get stuff done
the stiffs ain' t into rock n roll
the stiffs ain't got no heart or soul
the stiffs won't stop to smell the roses
they're too busy being sanctimonious
you can tell a stiff by the way he talks
you can tell a stiff by the way she walks

FLOWERS IN THE RAIN

he was running late again
ducking out of the doorway
he headed for the car
cursing the wretched rain
that had started lashing down again
the incessant rain
like a biblical flood
seemingly without beginning nor end
fumbling with his keys
he manoeuvred the door open
and slipped inside the vehicle

tightly wrapped up in her waterproofs
she made her way slowly down the lane
she was in good time
no need to rush
although the rain was heavy
and the clouds ominous
it was fun to watch the water run off her clothes
and drip harmlessly onto the road
she slalomed along
exploiting the camber to avoid the deeper puddles
splashing through the shallower ones
who said that pushbikes were for mugs?

exactly what he didn't need
a long queue of traffic
blocking both lanes of his progress
he'd never make it at this rate
why was she so bloody stubborn?
what was the big deal about getting a mobile phone?
the windows began to fog
the sky darkened
trapped in his metal box
he suddenly felt a mild surge of nausea
claustrophobia
quickly he opened the passenger window
allowing an obliging spray to dowse the seat
it reminded him of momentarily getting trapped
in a curved pipe
at a kid's playground years ago
no way out!

she arrived at the recital
unwrapped
and greeted the orchestra
despite the storm
everyone seemed on good form
she was nervous but ready
the hall began to fill
no sign of him yet
still time
she began to tune up

he banged the dashboard in frustration
complete gridlock
what was it this time?
road works?
an accident?
it didn't matter
nothing for it but to sit tight
and watch the waters rise
what was he going to tell her?

the conductor was preparing to begin
she took a final regretful glance
at the empty seat in the front row
how could he?
on her big day?

he sat at the bar
staring out of the window
the rain had a mesmerising effect
the feeling of time stood still
another?
why not?

it had gone better than she could have expected
a pity he had missed the performance
but there would be another time
she waved goodbye to the other musicians
and headed out into the wet night
maybe she should ring to check he was ok
she looked around for a box

he thought for a moment
then switched off the mobile
he'd call her when he got back

perhaps she should make sure he was ok
she was worried now
she headed across town to his place

angry with himself
angry with the weather
angry with the traffic
he drove home
even though the rain still poured down
the roads were clearer now
it was getting late
he accelerated round the bend
too late he saw the blurry figure crossing at the lights
the wheels locked as the car skidded out of control

the next day
as the rain filled the gutters once more
three wilting bouquets
flapped in the breeze at the roadside

JOB APPLICATION

dear sir or madam
i am delighted to apply for the position advertised
in this month's edition of 'the art of living'
i believe that my talents skills and experience
will make you a real asset to my organisation
efficiency and panache are my watchwords
'failure' and 'can't' do not form part of my vocabulary
my maturity speaks for itself
i think it is true to say
that i have been around the block a few times
done my time on the fairway
played a few rounds
and sunk a few putts
(not to mention my prowess at sinking a few
at the nineteenth hole!)
you will not be surprised to hear
that i am renowned for my sense of humour
dry wit
verbal dexterity
and intelligent repartee
in fact my friends tell me i can be extremely punny
when i put my mind to it!
i can also keep a cool head when the heat is on
while others around me lose theirs
as they fumble with the aircon remote
(mine is a tall lemonade with ice
shaken but not stirred)
multi-tasking is another forte
particularly when it comes to sipping a good espresso
whilst listening to music and contemplating a fine view
always up to date with the lastest fad
my green office credentials are finely developed
woe betide the colleague
who leaves his computer unattended
without shutting down to conserve power
when i am in the vicinity
i can blow the whistle for england
no wasted v's on me!
likewise if you need someone to get the job done
whatever it takes
look no further
i have a natural flair for delegating tasks to colleagues
freeing myself up for more interesting projects
in fact my man management skills
mark me out from the crowd
i always buy the first round
and more often than not i am reciprocated
please do not mistake my laidback demeanour
my approachability and my sociability
for slothfulness
i like a challenge
but i am also conscious of the need
to maintain an appropriate work-life balance
let me just say that i like to stop and smell the roses
while they are still in bloom
here i should point out
that i absolutely deplore sexual harrassment
unless of course i happen to be on the receiving end
in fact i am a vehement supporter of equal opportunities
and would rarely if ever sleep with a female colleague
without her permission
and on the strict condition
that work and pleasure be kept separate
with no strings attached
i should add that i am a happily married man
with a young family
and am not generally one for office affairs in any case
needless to say you will be contacting me shortly
to discuss how i can transform your organisation
until then
i am yours faithfully
ed hunter

FILM DIARY

as he opened the box
his eyes alighted at last on what he was seeking
an australian flag
printed on a faded sky blue background
picking up the book
he wiped the dust from its cover
coughing
he turned to the first page
neat script written in blue biro on red paper
days 115 - 176
24 february - 26 april 1990
he knew this would be an unlikely story
peopled by a cast of fabulous characters
part imagined fact
part true fiction
the setting?
a shabby backpackers hostel in kings cross
a lorry trundling the length and breadth
of the sydney suburbs
a rambling houseshare in surry hills
an architects office in north sydney
a newsagents in town hall station concourse
a blurring succession
of pubs and gigs and parties in surry hills
the cafes of darlinghurst
the markets of paddington
the protagonist?
a lanky blond-haired grey-eyed young everyman
adventurous in spirit
but naive and inexperienced
a mere A$400 to his name
accustomed to life on a shoestring
living for the day or night
ready to take what he could get
while he could get it
unsure of what tomorrow would bring
the plot?
a breathless tale of mis-spent youth
stumbling from black-eyed drunken stupor
to the bleary tedium of casual work
from all night out on the town
to the clumsy detail of the casual affair
the cast?
a sadistic sicilian lorry driver
a schizophrenic landlord
a roommate with a deathwish
a cockney vegan travelling incognito
an unrequited housemate
an egotistical ex-travelling companion
a bumbling and scheming supervisor
a croatian triple j devotee
a bisexual party animal
a 17-year-old ruby tuesday
a hundred pom-bashing wise guys

the scenery?

the soaring backdrop of the harbour bridge

the majestic airbrushed vistas of the blue mountains

the parched bush landscapes of new south wales

the golden curve of bondi

the water-cannoned seediness of the cross at dawn

the musak-washed blandness of the shopping arcade

the airless claustrophobia of the underground

the bohemian brickwork of surry hills:

'i loved my records - $ to you'

the soundtrack?

wet blanket and danny destiny by the chills

out of my hands by died pretty

a country called nothing and fade by glide

metropolis and you're still beautiful by the church

bye bye pride and the streets of your town by the go-bes

beds are burning by midnight oil

nothing compares 2 u by sinead o'connor

living on a prayer by aerosmith

as he read and remembered

the images

the words

the sights

the sounds

the feelings

the sensations

all flooded back

the energy

the vitality

the pomp

of youth

refracted through the nostalgic prism

of middle age

ON A DAY LIKE THIS

on a day like this
the grey skies opened
the rain cascaded over the roof tiles
overflowing the weary gutters
forming deep puddles on the patio
water dripped from branches leaves and twigs
the slugs were in their element
a hardy pedestrian occasionally walked by draped in a sowester
but the fireseed and his seedlet stayed indoors
watching the little rivulets trail down the windowpanes
on a day like this
the fireseed hung up the washing to dry in the garage
while his little seedlet watched
playing and singing a little tune to herself
daddy: 'that's a good tune - what is it?'
seedlet: 'i made it'
daddy: ' really? did you write a song like your daddy?'
seedlet: 'yes of course!'
then the fireseed started humming
the seedlet's tune had given him an idea
running the tune through his head
he rushed upstairs to grab a guitar & work out the chords
on a day like this
a telephone rang downstairs
little hannah elisabeth watton
ran into the hall to answer it
after a short pause
her daddy heard her say in a quizical voice:
'what kind of nanny?'
then after another pause:
'but i've already got a nanny barbara!'
on a day like this
the world stood still for a while
as the rain lashed down
brooks became rivers
rivers became rushing torrents
streets became rushing torrents too
someone said they saw an old man with a large boat
beckoning the animals in two by two
hurrah!

RELATIVITY

i am tired and weary
but not as weary as the coalminer
returning home blackened from his long subterranean shift
i am short of time
but not as short as the old man
gasping his last breath on his deathbed
i am uncertain
but not as uncertain as the lonely woman
struggling to choose between her children and her lover
i am a clumsy guitarist
but not as clumsy as the novice
who struggles to finger a g chord
i am a mediocre singer
but not as mediocre as the tone-deaf milkman
who clinks the bottles on our doorstep
i am a slow-coach
but not as slow as the slug
that slithers doggedly across the wet pavement
i am careful with my carbon
but not as careful as the average ethiopian
who emits a mere one hundred and sixtieth
of the average yank
i am a diligent daily blogger
but not as diligent as the man i know
who knocks out close on 365 blogs a year
my joints are stiff and unsupple
but not as stiff as our old neighbour
hobbled by painful arthritis
i feel the aches and pains of a middle-aged man
but not as acutely as the peasant
who toils every day in the fields
my wardrobe is bare
but not as bare as the vagabond's
who carries his clothes upon his back
i want for little
but i want for more than the egoless sage
who devotes his life to the search for enlightenment

ACCESS DENIED (GOOD WEATHER FOR SLUGS - PART 2)

6:30am - wake up from deep slumber
today the nagging mechanical bleep rings loud and clear
an orange sun glows thru the bathroom window
no yoga or dawn blog post again today
just one big rush to get ready for the chalkface
6:45am - delicious aceh coffee n muesli
don't bother with the radio's snooze news
but imagine the headlines instead
votes on your favourite to the comments box please:
a) gordon's ratings have plummetted to a minus figure
i.e. more people wouldn't vote for him
than are on the electoral roll
b) the us congress has approved a $1 billion aid package
to ease fuel poverty among texan 4wd drivers
c) the government is tabling a parliamentary bill
to ban bacon sandwiches as a health & safety risk
7:00am - shower with aromatic home-made korean soap
7:30am - write lesson plans for today's british council inspection
8:45am - kisses n cuddles with woodle and mrs f
8:50am - bike thru strangely quiet bright streets
it isn't raining!
9:00am - arrive at bham uni to meet inspectors
set up classroom technology
more penguin cafe orchestra
to caress studes' eardrums
brief staffroom banter
9:30am - begin morning lessons
inspector comes straight in and observes first half hour
she sits down where yesterday there was a toilet
students ask me where the toilets have gone
i skilfully deflect the question
and ooze warmth and friendliness
rapport is half the battle...
11:00am - 3:45pm - iffy coffee-banter-teaching-lunchtime
downpour-lesson planning-teaching blur
no more observations
4:00pm - meeting with inspectors
fat-chewing
eyebrows raised over our contractless lack of status
4:30pm - try to sort out my lack of access to computer network
it seems that personnel have no record of me!
i get a form to fill in
my turn on the rota
to do photocopying blitz for tomorrow
6:00pm - home on bikey
fail to avoid latest downpour
6:15pm - mrs f not happy with me
she was stuck in supermarket this arvo
unable to pay for shopping
because i forgot to give her our new bank card
(the old ones expired on sunday)
access to funds denied
heat up yesterday's dinner
adding cayenne pepper and kidney beans for variety
eat with couscous
munch on carrot sticks dipped in houmous while i wait
7:00pm - sit down to dinner just as everyone else finishes
yummy!
listen to the archers
even the archers has a resident eco-warrior now!
7:30pm - tidy up and play seamonsters with hannah
with cushions on the carpet as stepping stones
hannah wants to be the monster so that she can chase me
8:00pm - put kettle on
listen to moral maze about demonizing paedophiles
to cheer self up
8:45pm - prep woodle's warm water
drag her upstairs for teeth brushing
read 'mr fussy' bedtime story
lights out
9:00pm - sit down at computer
reject idea of doing work for rest of bc inspecto tomorrow
and decide to get up early instead
start writing this post
was it worth it?
of course
gotta keep my dear readers happy!

sweet dreams

f
x

DAILY GRIND (GOOD WEATHER FOR SLUGS)

7:45am - wake up from deep slumber
completely missed 6:30 alarm
did it not go off?
did i sleep thru it?
who cares?
it doesn't matter now
the sun is well above the horizon
no yoga or dawn blog post today
just one big rush to get to the chalkface
8:00am - delicious aceh coffee n muesli
the radio spouts some forgettable snooze news
'gordon brown choked on a bacon sandwich this morning
and couldn't decide whether or not to call an ambulance'
prepare sarnies
vegan pate dolloped onto thick-cut home-baked bread
8:15am - shower with aromatic home-made korean soap
8:45am - kisses n cuddles with woodle and mrs f
8:50am - bike thru strangely quiet bright streets
it isn't raining!
9:00am - arrive at bham uni
set up classroom technology
put on some penguin cafe orchestra
to wake up rammadan-enduring studes
9:15am - staffroom banter
9:30am - begin morning lessons
swift recap on academic style
the positive energy is flowing
11:00am - iffy coffee (not aceh) and more banter
11:30am - back into class to talk about reading strats
(strategies unfortunately, not stratocasters)
a downpour begins outside
1:00pm - lunchtime and banter with joe n jon
draft silly email to sarah h at bc in sk
another heavy cloudburst
2:15pm - last class of day begins the beguine
i maintain studes' attention
by setting them assessed essay homework
3:45pm - lesson finishes
bid studes fond farewell
not sure if it's mutual
rearrange furniture to better suit group dynamics
mention concerns to boss about classroom
being strewn with abandoned porcelain toilet bowls
(in light of british council inspection starting tomorrow)
don't want them to kick up a stink about it
in their report
ha! ha! ha!
form crew to reorganise classroom
we manage to conceal toilet bowls & plumbing paraphenalia
behind desk and cupboard
4:30pm - headache in the offing
head for home on bikey
just manage to avoid yet another downpour
4:45pm - kisses and altercations with a moody woodle
final caffeine hit of day (aceh hurray!)
munch thru some of mrs f's freshly-baked sweetcorn cake
5:15pm - start preping dinner
chopped tomatoes
steamed cauli n runner beans
fried onions n garlic n pepper n mushies
to go with baked spuds
6:30pm - dinner with mater & pater
mrs f and woodle head off on walk to find slugs
uncle j nowhere 2b seen
7:00pm - wash up
(does the fun ever end?)
w and mrs f return
they have counted twenty slugs n snails
this must be perfect weather for slugs
7:30pm - play pre-bed game of pelmanism with woodly
woodle cheats by peaking at cards
when it's not her turn
and jealously guarding matches she has identified
by sticking her hands over them
weekend cold coming back
afternoon headache gradually getting worse
take some paracetamol
8:00pm - prep woodle's warm water
and drag her upstairs
brush w's teeth while mrs f has time-out on computer
tidy messy bedroom
get w to choose 2 bedtime stories
dumbo and pinnochio
read books together
w skilfully latches onto phrase 'a mighty flap'
as in 'dumbo gave his ears a mighty flap'
time for lights out
9:00pm - sit down at computer
read sk's blog
check email inbox
finish daft email to sarah and press send
do wikipedia search on clint beetroot aka eastwood
reject idea of doing work for bc inspecto
and decide to get up early instead
(hope alarm clock goes off!)
10:00pm - start writing this post
was it worth it?
i think so
but i'll leave you to be the judge, dear reader
10:36pm - night night
f
x

I'M SORRY I HAVEN"T A VEGAN CLUE

two lentilmen of verona
the adventures of tom soya
'the enormous turnip' by the brothers vegan
'the importance of being vegan' by oscar wild raspberry
a man for all vegans
'vegan with the wind' starring the luscious vivienne leak
the vegans of navarone
seven wives for seven vegans
vegan on the roof
20000 vegans under the sea
my fair vegan
'the vegan has landed' with michael sugar cane
'where vegans dare' by alistair mclentil
one of our vegans is missing
death of a vegan

'the good the bad and the vegan' starring clint beetroot

(a veggie sphaghetti western)

an american vegan in london

'veganing las vegas' featuring nicholas caper

'the white pieces of tofu' sung by vegan lynn

'we'll fight them on the allotments' said winston churchill

'where have all the vegans gone?' by pete vegan
'i am the vegan' by john lettuce & paul mccelery
'you've lost that lovin' vegan' by the rye toast brothers

'he aint heavy he's my vegan' by the caulis

it's only just vegan

when you're in love with a beautiful vegan
'stairway to vegan' - led zucchini with vocals by robert plant
when the going gets tough the tough go vegan
'the power of tofu ' bu huey lewis & the new potatoes
i'm in the mood for damsons
sixty-eight vegans
i'm veganing for glory
stick to your vegans!

ACOUSTIC GIG A BITE

sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun
but the sun don't come...
it is classic british bbq weather
the damp grey drizzle is almost unremitting
but at least the british are used to it
the turnout for the fundraiser is good
and people are undeterred
huddling in groups undercover
munching their way cheerfully
through plates of tasty vegan grub
burgers
couscous n green salads
cakes n muffins
soya milk tea
ah! such inclusiveness!
some even venture out into the drizzle
to check out the lovely community garden
allotments bursting with organic veg
the small orchard
the woodland area with a pond and bee hives
the shipwreck play area for kids
built out of cob and woven saplings
meanwhile in a little marquee beside the bbq
replete with midge bites
from the previous evening's rehearsal
and nursing a sore throat
fireseed provides the music
with no sense of irony whatsoever
proceedings start with 'sunny afternoon' by the kinks
'singing in the rain' would be more appropriate
i mix it up a bit
a few relatively familiar covers
('i'm only sleeping', 'america', 'high & dry')
alongside a few slightly more obscure ones
(the church and jack frost)
i debut the new 'all seeing i' songs
which lend themselves well to an unplugged rendering
despite bum notes aplenty
i get a positive reaction from the punters
and am plied with food by the organisers
while i do my thang
mrs f and hannah make some new friends
among the transition city brum crowd
and even get to explore the gardens
once the rain lets up a bit
a good time is had by all



garden gnome