INSOMNIAC

i'm tired but i can't sleep
been feeling a lot like this recently
all is uncertain
up in the air
i'm talking about our future
i mean
no certainty is ever attached
there is always the cheerful outside possibility
of some kind of calamitous meteorite strike
some third world war triggered by a stupid misunderstanding
or the catastrophic effects of a global climate system sent haywire
by a sudden confluence of freak effects
escalated by the ecological havoc our race is playing with planet e
which the current lifestyle of family fireseed
our collective consumption of mother nature's resources
makes its own little unsustainable contribution to
leaving its over-sized ecological footprint
[ed: but weren't you talking about the future, fireseed?]
okay, ed, but first let me tell you about the past
me and mrs fireseed been living in sk for nearly six years now
all told it's been an exciting and multifarious experience
i have struggled to get to grips with the ways of korea
and the koreans
so hard to read and understand sometimes
so difficult to interpret
so tolerant and so intolerant
sometimes i manage to blend in effortlessly
and sometimes i stick out like a sore thumb
(of course i always visually stick out like a sore thumb!)...
i have succeeded triumphantly and failed miserably with the language
since reaching an early plateau of mediocrity
still mixing up my monk and my customer
(is it 'sonim' or 'sunim'?)
confusing my wallet with the word for suddenly
('jigap' or 'kapjagi' or...'japkagi'!)
a good reason for losing my wallet
and acquiring a money clip instead!
my speaking and pronunciation have got better
but my listening is still horrendous...
i have met and got to know a lot of kind and lovely people...
i have seen some spectacular parts of this mountainous country
where it hasn't been concreted over and tamed
or turned into a theme park with piped music...
we have had our lovely daughter
not a twinkle in her father's eye
when we first stepped off the plane
we have watched her grow from a tiny diamond
into a bright and shining four-year-old...
i have become a 'teacher trainer'
a staff representative
a 'co-ordinator'
a manager
a manager with more responsibility
a kind of specialist in teaching children
(who would have thought it?!)
i have been to korean state schools and observed lessons
given korean schoolteachers advice on their lessons...
thanks to the inspiration of a friend i made here
i have rediscovered the joys of writing
after a few barren years in the musical wilderness
i have written a load of new songs
better songs than ever before
some jewels and nuggets in there, i do believe
i have discovered the joys of the digital home studio
crafted and arranged and polished those tracks as best i could
overcome my technical shortcomings to painstakingly record them
published and sold my cds on the internet...
as an erstwhile bedroom guitarist
i have discovered the pleasures and agonies of playing with other musicians
formed a rock band with various name changes and a shifting line-up
put in the rehearsal time
trod the boards
plugged in my guitar
cranked up my amp
fumbled with my pedals
let the vocals rip
gave it my heart and soul
and sometimes - though not always - rocked
then endured the antagonisms
the edgy silences
and the acrimonious break-up...
i have taken up yoga
tried skiing and snowboarding
started looking after tropical fish...
i have become a blogger
typing out poems
stories
feelings
comments
observations
anecdotes
homespun philosophy
just for you
dear reader
ok, and for me too, i guess...
sometimes i feel that there is almost nothing i haven't done
over the last six years
like i haven't stopped to catch breath
which brings me to the present
six years in a country which is not my own
and never will be
six years working for the same organisation
clocking in and clocking out
giving them my precious time and energy
usually too much of my time and energy
comfortably numb is a life lived in a bubble
only really coming into contact with the priveleged few
not having to get my hands dirty with the real issues
that affect the wider world out there
and it has made me weary
not seeing enough of my daughter
who speaks korean as her mother tongue
but who lacks the same confidence with english
who only gets to see her grandparents once every year or two
like her dad only gets to see his family and friends...
living in sk is living life in the fast lane
unless you're on the roads, that is
in which case you'll be stuck in the slow lane
behind a pile of other traffic
among a people for whom the term 24/7 should have been coined
people who work too hard and have too much expected of them
you can see it in the way this country generates extreme statistics
a bit like the states
over the years i've seen or heard about a few different examples:
second highest divorce rate in the world
second highest per capita alcohol comsumption
highest suicide rate
lowest birth rate
then of course last week a citizen of sk hit the news
for all the wrong reasons
but checking out some links on wikipedia
i accidentally came across an even more appalling story from 1982
which is still the world's worst ever so-called 'spree killing'
committed by an off-duty policeman
in - you guessed it! - sk...
so the contract is up again this summer
and even though it appears that i am now tenured
it feels like it might be time for a change
time to give up the comfy lifestyle for...what?
for a long time i've been thinking of a career change
a lifestyle change
to something simpler and more sustainable
slower and richer
more meaningful
but my inertia has stopped me
the fatigue and burn-out has exhausted me
the fear of the unknown has smothered me
i have been tethered to a stake...
sometimes i think we need to make a clean break with our past
to set out on a new journey
along an uncertain road
with no destination fixed
following our noses to where we want to go...