INSTINCT

this is getting to be a thursday night habit
been out drinking again
three bottles of double-strength belgian beer
on top of an empty stomach
so disregard what i have to say...
after four hours of vigorous conversation
spleen venting
unburdening
getting things off my chest
putting the world to rights
not drunk but pleasantly tipsy
i stumble homewards from kwanghwamun to hongdae
singing along with my mp3
it takes an hour
it is two am
finally i give up
and cadge a taxi home to mangwon
tonight i got an instinct
that fortune favours the brave
that sometimes you gotta push the boat out
into uncharted waters
i've spent way too much of my life behaving
trying not to tread on anyone's toes
jumping through hoops
not upsetting the applecart
holding back
procrastinating
putting things off
last night and this morning
me and mrs f have a heated discussion about the next step
it's difficult to find the time
to talk about this kind of serious stuff
you gotta be in the right mood
and it's no good when h is there
interrupting the convo every few seconds
anyway
mrs f is at the dinner table
talking about her plans for doing some course in september
whoah! i say
you're assuming we're still gonna be here in september!
then it all comes tumbling out
i tell her how after six years i've had enough
how it's time to make a clean break
how i need the time and the space and the energy
to forge a new existence
to plough a different furrow
to live a new kind of life
closer to the soil
where snatch-and-grab earning and spending isn't the be-all and end-all
where fulfilment and quality of life is paramount
where our small fireseedlet grows up
learning to value and protect the wonders of nature
rather than to covet a beeping piece of plastic junk
from a sweatshop factory
or a sad slab of factory-farmed deadness
wrapped up in a fancy box
mrs f is a bit stunned by the sudden news bulletin
not like it's just my decision
although i am the main breadwinner
but this morning
before i leave the house
she says ok let's give it a try...