DREAMCATCHER

Ever had one of those dreams where you wake up too soon? When something deliciously exciting is happening - or about to happen - and you're snatched away at a particularly critical or pleasurable moment? A time when the morning alarm rudely intruded, the telephone rang, or you were suddenly and miserably shaken awake by your wife or your dog? Perhaps you were in the middle of meeting a famous person or hero - sitting in on a recording session at Abbey Road and chatting with Lennon and McCartney. Maybe you were transported back to a momentous moment in history - VE day, the 1966 World Cup Final, the fall of the Berlin wall. Perchance you were in the midst of a romantic assignation, or magically resuming a tragically interrupted love affair with an old flame who you've never fallen out of love with...when somebody pulled the plug and the whole damn thing was aborted. And, lo and behold, you were pitched unceremoniously back into the mundanity of everyday life.

But what if you could bottle those dreams - to be released, replayed and continued at your convenience? What if I told you that I knew a way to catch your dreams before they slipped away into the ether, lost forever? You'd probably think that I was crazy - but I'm not. Because I know someone who can help you - I call him the dreamcatcher.

The dreamcatcher has no fixed abode, as far as I can tell. His past, present and future, indeed his whole existence, is shrouded in mystery. You can call him to arrange a rendezvous, but you cannot visit him. Each time I see him, he wordlessly passes me a card with a new handwritten number on it. The dreamcatcher is of indeterminate age - small, slight and nondescript. In the mind's eye, he appears to be colourless or sepia-toned like an old photograph - a human anachronism out of time and place. Like a chameleon, he blends into the background so well that you would hardly notice him even in an otherwise empty room. He is at ease in a nervous kind of way. He talks softly and efficiently in an otherworldly voice, not wasting words. He fires questions at you like a gentle interrogator, skilfully probing hazy memories, recreating vaguely-recalled events and drawing out meaningful little details. He betrays no emotion. He is the height of discretion. He swiftly wins the trust normally reserved for old friends. He eschews small talk and formality and doesn't stand on ceremony. He accepts his modest fee and, slipping his card into your hand, vanishes into the crowd without taking leave, just as he arrived minutes earlier as if out of nowhere.

That night you will always receive a call some time in the small hours. When you answer, the dreamcatcher will murmur a codeword before wordlessly replacing the receiver. If someone else happens to take the call, he will immediately hang up to ensure confidentiality.

The rest is easy. Once back in bed, as if by magic you will drift back into your interrupted dream and continue where you left off. You will thus be reunited with Lennon and McCartney, delirious crowds of celebrators or your old flame.

If you wish to employ the dreamcatcher's services, I will gladly supply you with his number, but not without a word of warning. Be very careful how you use his powers, for I have heard tales of poor lost souls who have taken refuge in their fantasy dream lives to the extent that they cannot bear to return to reality. These dream addicts must return more and more often for their next fix. Floating aimlessly through their days, they crave the relief from their cold turkey that sleep and its dreams bring them - only to awake early the next morning to the cold empty light of day. They have learnt the hard way to respect the dreamcatcher's awesome powers.