GUIDED TOUR

we stand on the street corner
scrutinising the map
twisting it this way and that
to get our bearings
mediaeval stone buildings crowd in on us
suddenly i get the feeling we're being watched
'oi! it's that way you want'
a strange voice interjects over our shoulders
we turn and crane our necks upwards
and our startled eyes alight on a smirking face
a bushy-haired wild-eyed face
peering down at us from the masonry high above
a grotesque figure carved in sandstone
suddenly the smirking face winks at us
i blink into the sunlight
'did you see what i think i saw?'
then it speaks
'who d'ya fink you're staring at?
didn't your mother teach you any manners?'
guffawing, the stone gargoyle springs from his perch
and launches himself diagonally across the street
alighting on a new vantage point
'come on - we haven't got all day
follow me!'
we chase the gargoyle along the street
as he hops agilely from building to building
'don't mind 'im' our new friend laughs
pointing at a carved mediaeval figure
squatting as he pulls up his skirts to do his business
'do you mind?' the figure barks irritably
our map depicts what seem to be large footprints
next to a squat bird and some tiny heads
we turn the corner of the street
and head breathlessly up a long straight road
being cajoled by the gargoyle
till we reach a large lawn
in front of a handsome gothic building
'look down at the grass' says the gargoyle
from where we stand
a set of giant three-toed footprints
stretches away across the grass
we hear the great lizard it before we see it
a twenty foot high megalosaurus rears up snarling and hissing
as bystanders scatter in terror
'quick! in here!'
gargoyle ushers us through a door into a giant hall
a glass-roofed cathedral of ornate cast-iron columns
housing a large collection of animal skeletons
fortunately the t-rex skeleton remains inanimate
'come and have a little look at this' our friend whispers conspiritorally
inside a glass cabinet
a squat bird sits
staring back at us with its beady eye
'that's a real live dodo!' says gargoyle
'come on - must fly!'
we continue through to the back of the building
and emerge into a large courtyard
the light is dim and the smell musty
totem poles rise from the floor to the upper galleries
victorian display cabinets are crammed full
of all manner of strange paraphenalia
pistols
jars
carved figures
costumes
mummies
but what of the tiny head on our map?
then our eyes are drawn to a macabre cabinet
shrunken heads with their eyes sewn shut
dangle gruesomely
leathery skin
long matted hair
the trophies of amazonian tribes
'oh no!' i hear myself gasp
as the eyes of one of the heads slowly start to open
'let's get out of here!'
'so where to next?' asks gargoyle when we get outside
grinning from a ledge on the side of the building
we consult our map
'have you ever heard of a mummified cat?'