MISCARRIAGE

in a dimly lit windowless room
the nurse doesn't speak good english
she tells j to lie down
i smooth the crumpled paper towelling
the jelly will be cold, the nurse says
rubbing it onto j's tummy
i'll check the monitor first, she says
turning it away from us
then i will show you
from my chair i sneak a look
the grainy black and white image writhes in agony
a small dark burrow appears
a couple of mouse clicks magnify the image
inside the burrow a tiny white form becomes visible
a head
a body
a cord
the form is magnified by another resolution
the grainy image convulses once more
then is still again
nothing moves
nothing makes an ultrasound
i'm so sorry, says the nurse
there is no heartbeat
your
baby
dead
three terrible words
words for which nothing can prepare you
the shock is total
the helplessness overwelming
the tears wash down cheeks
over numb lips
the staff are very nice
we are ushered out of a side entrance in a trance

oh dear tiny much imagined one
your finest hour will never come
you return to the earth too soon
before your parents can annoint you
before your big sister can tenderly stroke your arm
perhaps you were not comfortable where you lay
perhaps something made you ill
perhaps you decided that this harsh world was not for you
we are in mourning today
for we cannot hold you in our arms
nor plant a farewell kiss
nor even offer you a funeral
but we want you to know
our dear tiny much imagined one
that you are loved
and your memory will live on in our hearts