NAKED

new year's eve in sk
the year of the golden pig
what that presages i know not
my younger brother jgw was born in the year of the pig
while i am a cheeky earth monkey
according to the literature
i am versatile
inventive
a natural entertainer
ingenious
creative
mischievous
quick-witted
good at storing mental notes away for future reference
agile of mind
blessed with multiple talents
reliable and honest in dealings
a problem-solver
a good listener
artistic
clever
intellectual
i spend a lot of time in my head
i think and worry too much
i am overly naive
i get burned
i can be overly suspicious and unable to trust others
i am good at making others happy
but not so good at making myself happy
how is that such a description can ring so true...?

it is a lifeless melancholy winter's afternoon
not an afternoon to be alone with one's thoughts
the trees are bare
there is no birdsong
the railway carriages and streets of the city uncharacteristically quiet
people preparing for new year
many braving the gridlocked exodus to far-flung provinces
to be with parents and grandparents
i walk through hanyang university campus
to a theatre that is almost empty
one of those performances where cast is larger than audience
like some of the gigs our band used to play in hongdae
i have come to see 'hitchcock blonde'
an amateur production by an expat company called the seoul players
the very first actor who takes the stage is someone i know
but not somebody i was expecting to see
as the programme features only his stage name
he was a trainee on a teaching course i ran three years ago
i picture him struggling at the whiteboard
battling to acquire the skills of a teacher
but here he is in his element
commanding the stage with power and confidence
theatre is something i seldom experience but almost always love
a totally different experience from cinema
the liveness
the immediacy
the intimacy
the uniqueness of this performance
tonight
here and now
for our eyes only
never to be repeated
the tension in the air
the sets and the props
the floodlights
the minimalism
the timeless old-fashioned simplicity
the lack of artifice
the homespun feel
the inventiveness under the constraints of limited means
no commercials
no marketing
no PR men
no multi-million dollar budget
this is the extreme opposite of the sterile
the bland
the generic
the special-effects laden
the hollywood staple
this is in-your-face honesty
the muffed lines
the imperfect delivery
the live chemistry between the actors
the interaction between cast and audience
in a strange way mirroring a language class
when the blonde drops her dressing gown for hitchcock
and goes butt naked
it's for real
ironically considering the subject matter
there is nowhere for her to hide
no clever camera angles
no subtle lighting
no body doubles
i admire the courage of the actress
how many would dare to do this under the eyes of complete strangers
while launching into a lengthy soliloquy?
normally as adults
we hide
we dissimulate
we conceal
we are disingenuous
we have shaken off the disarming honesty of the child
and quickly mastered the art of deception
we seldom reveal
even in our most intimate of moments
we bottle up our emotions
fearful of losing face
boys don't cry
not even a tear
girls rarely cry either
we are disciplined
we adopt affectations
put on airs and graces
we are skilled actors
scared of laying ourselves on the line
careful not to give too much away
keeping our cards close to our chests
metaphors abound
we will do anything to avoid saying what we really think
terrified of how others might react
while secretly craving intimacy
but we are chained and shackled
we conform
we stick to the rules of the game
we tell little white lies
grey lies
big black lies
wicked lies
we are superficial
chipboard beneath a thin veneer of mahogany
the truth hurts
so we wrap ourselves up in layers of vestments
bundled up imposters in disguise
no sooner would we give up this pretence
than take off all our clothes in public
like the hitchcock blonde under the gaze of the camera crew
what would happen if we all threw off our dressing gowns
and revealed the sagging stomachs
the varicous veins
the cellulite
the bony knees
the unsightly hair
the curious genitalia
the tight musculature
the milky white flesh
the imperfect
the perfect
and everything in between?
perhaps some people are beautiful
because they are already at ease with their nakedness
while others manage to hide their ugliness
only by keeping their garments tightly buttoned up...