TIME

11:29 pm
imagine life in a day
like a butterfly
time
it expands and contracts
it flies
it drags
it runs out
it slips away
it waits for no man
or woman
some waste it
some save it
others kill it
time is all relative
it constantly speeds up
relentlessly gathering momentum
each passing second a diminishing fraction of a lifetime
i think back to those endless summer holidays
six weeks that now seem to pass in a blink of an eye
now there is never enough time
i have become a time glutton
a chrono junkie
no matter how early i get up
i always crave more
i set the alarm for five am
roll out the yoga mat
the sun rises
an hour passes
i tumble out onto the dawn pavement
jog along the river han
to get the blood pumping
by the time i am back and out of the shower
it is well after seven
i grind my beans
brew my coffee
spread my toast
head up to the roof terrace
to spill my thoughts onto paper
to meditate on misty mount kwanaksan
four hours have somehow sped by...
in six years
i have never adjusted to the frenetic pace
of life in this city
and i never will
my slow movements infuriate others
i get in the way
i hold everyone up
no stopping to smell the roses here
not even time to smell the exhaust fumes!
nobody here seems to have any time for themselves
nobody makes time
making time
now there's a phrase
how can you make time?
maybe reclaiming time would be closer to the mark
another facet of the art of living
time for exercise
time for rest
time for work
time for play
time for art
time for creativity
time for reflection
time for learning
time for others
time for self
time for doing nothing
12:06 am

REINCARNATION

droplets of gentle rain
fall through cool damp air
pitter patter on my umbrella
a calm before the storm
then the deluge kicks in...
today is the buddha's birthday
happy bithday bro
i'd also like to wish many happy returns
to another buddha
one of my most avid seedlings
the fella with the pack on his back
life begins at forty
so they say
a kind of reincarnation
the time of mid-life crises for some
for others a time of continuing growth
or slow decay
what does it mean to get older?
a sense of history and time passing?
experience and maturity?
wisdom and authority?
a broader perspective on the art of living?
survival and doggedness?
renewal?
uncertainty?
complacency?
cynicism?
dogma?
bigotry?
next summer i will reach this milestone too
twenty years ago i was a teenager
a fresh-faced youth
in twenty more i will almost sixty
an old man
if i had known then what i know now
i would have had more humility
i would have been less competitive
i would have jumped through fewer hoops
i would have shown more compassion
i would have been less hard on myself and others
i would have given up meat sooner
i would have left a smaller footprint
i would have been more disciplined
i would have been less gullible
i would have been more questioning
i would have challenged my teachers
i would have conformed less
i would have thrown caution to the wind
i would have noticed more
i would have carried a notebook
i would have had more self-confidence
i would have been more hopeful
i would have acted with more urgency
if only i had known then what i know now

TECHNOPHOBIA

not only did all my music files disappear into the ether
but my home studio is down
the brains of my operations
reduced to an ailing bundle of incompatible components
incommunicado
engaged in internecine warfare
when i set up my studio five years ago
twas a dream come true
creating my own little sergeant pepperpots
an abbey road studio 2 in my spare room
but it was as a techno-ignoramus
that i shelled out my hard-earned cash
i purchased a package from a bloke in an electronics mall
who flogged me the cheapest and nastiest of almost everything
at the time i didn't have much idea what i was buying
a computer with a digital recorder and sequencer inside
but over the years
thirty-odd songs and three albums down the line
after multiple crashes
compatibility problems
lost files
i've learnt a few techno lessons the hard and frustrating way
the perennial language barrier when talking to korean teccies
has further clouded the issue
but i was looking for a silver lining and i've found one
after doing a bit of research
i've realised that my sound card
is a cheap piece of rubbish
designed for gaming
not up to the task of driving a decent home studio
so i open up the computer case
ceremonially rip out my crappy old sound card
which doesn't like my digital recording software
and replace it with a decent quality one
that i bought from a shop in the nagwon centre
the mecca of seoul musicians
i'm quite proud of myself
that i've finally got the confidence and know-how
to recognise and replace a sound card
for up to now opening up a computer
was always a bit like opening up a car bonnet
a bewildering collection of mechanical parts
with no obvious indication as to what does what
but i worked out that all you need to do
is to relate the connectors and slots on the outside
to what's going on on the inside
that way you can link the monitor to the graphics card
the sound cables to the sound card
and so on
i guess the processor is the brain
and the motherboard the central nervous system
quite simple really!
of course lo and behold
when i try to install the new card
i get a message in korean
telling me that the computer doesn't recognise it
my synth keyboard has simultaneously decided to go on the blink, too
so i'm stuck where i was
unable to make music!
unsure about the abilities of my old workhorse computer
to stand the strain
we take hannah for a visit to yongsan electronics mart
it's an incredible place
a labyrinthine web of shops and corridors
full of legions of little guys assembling components
into mean machines
with soaring specifications
we get a quote for a new machine
they suggest a hard drive of 250 gigabites
with two gigabites of ram
wow - that's a lot of sheep this machine could count!
but i ain't convinced i need it
perhaps there's still a chance to resurrect my old faithful
there is a minor triumph today, though
by doing an internet search
we manage to find a hacking code
which converts our dvd player into a region-free machine
pity i've just returned the complete series of 'the office'
which i borrowed from someone about a year ago!...
technology
love it and hate it
love it for the possibilities it offers
the doors it opens
the 'office in every home' democratisation
the undeniable comforts
hate it for the problems it causes
the way it relentlessly drives industrialisation
rampant consumerism
turbocapitalism
the way it dislocates and severs us from the natural world
the way it threatens to push the human race into the abyss

SPLASH!

it's the hottest sunday of the year
we head into town for a rendezvous with the family
h's cousins, aunt and nan
today there's a big parade to celebrate buddha's birthday
is this what you wanted, prince?
we picnic by the rejuvenated chongyecheon
hannah and big cousin yoora play on the stepping stones
hannah shakes off her usual trepidation
and starts to get confident
eventually the inevitable happens
splash!
she slips and takes a plunge
into the chilly currents of the stream
h is ok but soaked to the bone
it's either home to get changed or buy her a new wardrobe
needless to say
i have little influence over the decision
the second option entails a lengthy plod
down to dongdaemun market
where the parade happens to start
me carrying hannah
dressed only in a pair of wet knickers
(h not me!)
and her aunt's jacket draped over her like a dress
then a sudden serendipity
wandering through a traditional open market
we stumble upon a row of bindaeduk stalls
green bean pancakes
ground up and mixed with bean sprouts
fried in oil
served with mild onions pickled in a sweet soy sauce
delicioso!
there's a strange role-reversal here
normally it's me watching indifferently as everyone else tucks in
this time it's me pigging out on this tasty vegan tucker
while everyone else nibbles unenthusiastically
there's a long queue for the seats
so up we get and on we plod
another hour or two shopping for h's various garments
and we've almost missed the parade altogether
i absent myself from the final leg
and take up a roadside pew
just in time to catch some spectacular beasts
a giant pink elephant
trumpeting loudly and flapping its ears
and a pair of enormous fire-breathing dragons
worth the trip in themselves...

VANISHING ACT

a slow dread rises up in the pit of my stomach
i'm trying hard not to let my mind run away with itself
i wander bewilderedly up and down the street
stumble in and out of shops
not knowing what i'm doing
mrs f is in a similar state of panic
we scratch our heads
we frantically try to retrace our movements
two minutes ago
we were standing at the entrance to this shop
discussing whether to go in or not
the next moment our little girl has vanished into thin air
on the busiest shopping street in central seoul
it's every parent's nightmare
the stuff of news stories
impassioned press conference pleas
it's probably less than five minutes
though it seems like an eternity
before mrs f gets a call
she suddenly bolts out of the shop to the police station
which happens to be only about three doors away
i walk through the sliding doors
to see mrs f with hannah sitting on her lap like a little puppy
tears of relief streaming down her face
you see, h has got a chain around her neck
with her name and mrs f's mobile number on it
two girls had found her wandering around
by some street stalls
back the way we'd come
some aussie fella's having some trouble finding his hotel
none of the taxi drivers will help him!
suddenly we're all jumping in a cab
and heading to the hotel oriental to sort him out
drama, my seeds, drama!

BIRTHDAY

spill out onto the dawn streets
humming / whistling 'like a daydream'
by ride
funny how some songs stay with you over the years
by artists who aren't necessarily on your a-list
today is may 16th
h's big day
though i won't be there to sing to her when she wakes up
or give her the bumps
4 years ago at dawn
h was lying in my arms
gulping down her first noisy breaths of oxygen
now look at her!
i'm otherwise engaged till mid-afternoon
but we'll have a little party later
invite a few of h's friends around
blow out some candles
before i leave the house
i draw a giant snail friend
on h's magnetic whiteboard
snail's speech bubble says
'happy birthday to you!'

INDIAN

a spot of indulgence and extravagance tonight, friends
a culinary treat at an indian rest her aunt
in the heart of seoul
enjoyed with a couple of pals
indian cuisine
oh food of the gods
oh fragrant ambrosia
what gifts you do bestow
on my humble english palate
on my appreciative anglo-saxon taste buds
raised on bread and potatoes
what's more
to my delight my influence for once prevails
we order three veggie dishes to share
not a dead carcass
or grieving mother in sight
aloo gobi
tarka dal (no otter!)
vegetable bahji
nan bread and chawal rice
oh just the names, my seeds, the names!
like something out of lord of the rings
oh there's something special about india
transcending the grinding mundane poverty
which is all a lot of people seem to associate with the country
the taste explosion of the food
the olefactory punch of the fragrances
the saffron yellow vividness of the colours
the exotic cadences of the music
the grace of the saried women
the spirituality of the people
the home of yoga, buddhism, hinduism
the birthplace of karma and karma sutra
the motherland of ghandi
enough said!
of all the places i have travelled to
india wins hands down
head and shoulders above the rest
though the delhi belly
or in my case the calcutta flutter
i heartily do not recommend

HAIR

sun day is better than satter day
how could it be worse?
hannah and i sun ourselves on the roof garden
h rides around on her tricycle in a pretty summer dress
my pale forehead gets a bit too much sun
who was it who nicked our lovely parasol?
i strum and pick my way through some songs i wanna busk
till hannah gets bored and demands to go for a roam
the lady will not take no for an answer
so she climbs onto the handlebar seat
and we head off along the breezy streets of mangwon
h has got a great eye for detail
halfway along a road lined with rosebushes
she spots a single tiny pink flower
freshly unfurled and new
awakened by the may sunshine
we go get some kimbap
(korean-style sushi)
oooh korean readers will hate me for saying that!
a comedy of errors in the restaurant
i manage to spill not one but two dishes of soy bean soup
over hannah and her new dress
then we pedal down to the hairshop
for my leonine locks need a trim
hair
like my teeth
another of my weaknesses
my dad always says that it's ginger
i've got little wavy unmanagable bits around the ears
which simply won't be tamed
it's always been fine flyaway stuff
and now it's getting a bit thin on top
i've even noticed a bald patch almost out of sight
right on top of my head!
when i was a kid i longed to have dark hair
so i could look like one of the beatles
even as a teenager
i realised that with my fine hair
i could never have the style i wanted
and resigned myself to a lifetime of disappointment
when i started university
the smiths were all the rage
and flat tops were in
a style i could only dream of having
last year i finally gave up on the pony tail
that one trick pony
which was an attempt not to look square
these days i can have it short and managable but square
or interesting but long, messy and uncontrollable
i expect my hairdresser to know instinctively
what to do with my errant mane
it's basically just a trim after all
and i get thrown when she starts asking
what i want doing with the messy bits around my ears
which she keeps combing backwards
making me look like a scarecrow
i get that sinking feeling
nearly six years in this country
and i still can't ask for the style i want
to give her credit she gets there eventually
she does a decent job with some poor raw material
but it ends up being boy-next-door square
the kind of thing that will earn me the dubious
'you look 10 years younger' platitudes
still hannah likes it and says i look pretty
well, i always was 'pretty boy' in the band...
in the evening
i go for a twilit jog along the river
past trees of sweet-smelling lilac blossom
one of my new revolutions
to boost the chi levels
early to bed
up at 5am
daily yoga to stretch the joints
a daily run to get the blood pumping
a daily morning diary up on the roof
a daily blog of course!
a musical offensive
recording and busking
life is not a series of obstacles blocking your way
it's just a set of hurdles to be jumped

DESPAIR

oh i am sick tonight, my seeds
sick as a proverbial parrot
sick fireseed
not sick as in ill
but sick as in frustrated
angry
pissed, as they say in namerica
it's all my own fault
i can't blame anyone else
even georgie boy and tory boy are off the hook this time
a stupid chain of events
the bottom line of which is
i have managed to lose not only all my recordings since last summer
(the entire 'elephant in the room' album so far)
but also all our family photos from the same period
oh the stupidity of it, my seeds!
how i should know better by now
having done this kind of thing before on a smaller scale...
when i get home on woden's day
mrs f tells me she's got some bad news
she was on the computer in the spare room
when all of a sudden there's a power cut
when she tries to turn the computer back on
it won't start up
just produces an error message
so next day the computer bloke from down the road
comes and picks it up
says he can copy the files and reboot
i'm already worried
cos with one thing and another
i haven't got around to backing up any of the recent files
and this kind of thing happened once before
when the computer got a virus
and all my audio files from 'mustard seed'
(that's the singing, the bass and the guitar bits)
got deleted
so i'm starting to worry
but mrs f says it's ok
she's told the bloke to treat my audio with kid gloves
anyway the machine is delivered back today
and lo and behold
inexplicably the audio files are there
albeit scattered around one of the drives in different folders
but everything else
the track programming which activates all the music files
and the photos and videos
have all been erased
where has it all gone?
computer ajossi is fucked if he knows
i'm cursing myself
how could i let this happen?
i should have gone and stood over him
throughout the entire process
making sure that everything was ok
and i would have
if i hadn't been bloody busy
knackered
and otherwise detained
now i'm panicking
my mind is racing
i'm desparately trying to work out a solution
an explanation
a way back
but it's too late
i realise that there is one major saving grace
alongside two major killers
i've got compressed mp3 files of the five finished tracks
downloaded to my mp3 player
now i can't edit them
and i'm not sure how compressing the files affects the quality
but there's a decent chance
that they'll be good enough to burn to CD
thank god for my mp3
the first killer is 'hero with a 1000 faces'
my opus magnus of the last two months
my pride and joy
though i've got a 95% finished demo saved as an mp3 like the others
this one ain't no good
cos the vocal is only a guide vocal
it's out of tune, full of mistakes
and there's sound spillage from an earlier version
which i later deleted
the drum and guitar tracks are pretty good
but they need tweaking
now my head is in my hands
the love i have put into recording this seven-and-a-half-minute epic
this double-song
this spiritual oddyssey
the painstaking effort to get everything just right
the smooth undulating synth pattern
the woodland sound effects
the swooping slurring bassline
which covered my fingers with blisters
the echoey double-tracked guitar lines
which took umpteen takes to get them right
cos of my clumsy fingers and lack of technique
not to mention the love and work locked up in the other songs
which i cannot edit
nine months of hard graft!
sometimes late at night into the wee small hours
sometimes squeezed in after a long day's work
this work is the best i've ever done
it's my pride and joy
it was my goal to finish this album by the summer
to release it, promote it, share it
my philosophy, my creed, my latest manifesto
i wanted to nail it
draw a line under it
and move on to fresh pastures
and now this...
the second killer is that all the photos and videos are gone
thank god we printed the best ones
from the summer hols
the autumn
and the christmas holidays
and i uploaded a few other nice ones from last month
onto my office pc
but the rest are gone forever
pictures and little blurry films of our little girl growing up
as she will never be again
i guess i can re-record 'hero'
though i dread to think how long that's gonna take
but i can't bring my darling hannah's pictures back...
oh i am sick tonight
sick as a parrot...

LATE

late up this morning
late off
late in
late response
late for an appointment
late for a wedding
late birthday greeting
late present
late developer
late for my own funeral
late in the day
late back from the pub
late home
late blog
late
too late for blogging
gotta be up at five in the morning
for the early shift
and i haven't even ironed a shirt
but i'm making the effort
showing up at the page...
so what was the highlight of my day?
maybe it was the perfect yellow-orange disc
setting low over the hazy mountains
perhaps it was the hug and three loving kisses
from my sweet little angel
as she left for kindergarten
maybe it was a tasty belgian beer
a rammekin of peanuts
and an intimate conversation
uninterrupted by telephones
perhaps it was the warm night air
and the scent of overhanging blossoms
or maybe it was arriving home
gazing on my two darlings nestled up together
eavesdropping on the sweet breath of their sleep

UNSPORTING

evening friends
i used to care
i really did
i was hoping birmingham were gonna win
just so that i could say this
and not be accused of sour grapes
but of course they lost the last match of the season
and i'll look like a whinger
how times have changed
all those days i whiled away during the long summer holidays
sitting in front of the telly watching test match special
and even when play was suspended due to rain or bad light
watching the replays of old matches...
frame after frame of snooker from the crucible
steve thorburn versus cliff davis
ray white versus jimmy reardon...
the biggest treat i could have
was being allowed to stay up late and watch MOTD...
so why do i no longer care about this stuff?
why does it not matter whether the blues win the league or not?
well, for one thing
i like to think that what matters is the process
not the product
that it's the playing that's important rather than the winning
those lines about treating those twin imposters
triumph and disaster
just the same...
then there's the money
the greed
the big business
the stock market flotations
the sponsorship
the advertising
long gone is the sense of loyalty
the one-club stalwarts
replaced by travelling mercenaries
buying success...
there's the tribal aspect
the us versus them
the 'we hate you because you're (magpie/wolves/villa) scum'
which ultimately manifests itself in thuggery
macho bravado
racism
xenophobia
i remember going to wembley in 2000
to see an international 'friendly' match
between england and argentina
nothing very friendly about it
i can assure you, friends
argentina get roundly booed every time they gain possession
non-stop chants about 'cheating argies'
and the falklands
grown men standing next to me screeching
'come on inggerrland!'
as if their lives depend on it
bill shankley famously said
'football isn't a matter of life and death -
it's much more important than that!'
well you got it wrong shanks
there are a lot of more important things in life than football
i used to care, like, canny lad
i really did!

CONSUMER

i am a voracious consumer
a carnivorous t rex
along with my family
i have an insatiable appetite for all kinds of stuff
food
coffee
alcohol
clothes
books
music equipment
CDs
toys
domestic appliances
the list is endless...
but it's not just the stuff itself that i consume
the recycling bags fill up faster each week
trees are pulped
habitats are destroyed
wild men of borneo die out
to make the paper and cardboard packaging
that we tear up and throw away in this house
oilfields are emptied
refineries and factories belch out their emissions
to make the multicoloured plastic packaging
that we chuck
more pollution and emissions spew into the air, rivers, sea
to create the bottles and cans
that we leave outside on a sunday evening
a walk around our neighbourhood tonight
is not a pretty sight
piles of stinking overfilled rubbish bags
everywhere you care to look
recyclable stuff that should go in special bags that you pay for
just dumped
a mile or two down the road
there's an incinerator
where a lot of this stuff is destined for
sk is a small country
there's not a lot of space to bury all this stuff
so the air that we breathe is polluted a second time
when the unwanted products or by-products of our consumption
are burnt to a crisp in one of these giant infernos
in sk we burn natural gas from aceh
that impoverished part of indonesia worst hit by the tsunami
our homes are powered by nuclear power stations
which issue forth toxic waste
that nobody knows what to do with...
but when i start to think about what i actually produce
apart from waste
although i wrack my brains
i can think of very little at all
a blog every day or two
if i can be bothered
a song recorded and ready to be burnt onto a cd
once every couple of months
if i'm lucky
(oops! more plastic, more burning!)
food?
no
clothes?
squat diddly
building or craftwork?
zilch
(ok mrs f did make a few furniture items
when she did her furniture-making course a while back)
and suddenly i realise something
which i guess i've known subconsciously for some time
that i'm totally dependent on others
to produce stuff for me to consume
take me out of my cosy air-conditioned office
and chuck me on a desert island
and i'd be lost
i'd starve to death
i wouldn't survive for five minutes
no shops
no supermarkets
no technicians
no amazon.co.uk
what on earth would i do?!

KIDS

kids
having one makes you think
about the past
about the present
about the future
spending time with a kid takes you back
back to your own childhood
all those years ago
to the long lost days of innocence, excitement and joy
when things were less complicated
when you couldn't get to sleep at night
not because you were worried about something
but because you were so excited about tomorrow
the days when you tumbled out of bed in the morning
itching to play with this or that toy
this or that game
the days when you dashed impatiently home from school
to wolf down your tea and go calling for your friends
and suddenly
thirty years later
you are there watching your own little one
experiencing the same thing
having a child makes you think about the future too
you imagine your four-year-old
as the adult you are now
you think about the kind of world
she or he is gonna be living in
in thirty years time
a world with more people
and fewer animal and plant species
a more crowded world
a more polluted world
a world with a less stable climate
a world with scarce resources
children make you realise how selfish you are
they force you to confront a few demons
but they also encourage you to think about
the things that really matter
not how much you earn
not how much money or how many credit cards you got
not what a big shot you are
with your impressive-sounding job title
or your flash car
or your prestige or your status
not which school or university you went to
or what brand of sunglasses you are wearing
kids can see through all that bullshit!
what really matters
is maintaining a healthy clean environment
where people live fulfilling lives
in harmony with their community
with respect for other species
in a way that doesn't compromise the future...
kids
having one makes you think

INSTINCT

this is getting to be a thursday night habit
been out drinking again
three bottles of double-strength belgian beer
on top of an empty stomach
so disregard what i have to say...
after four hours of vigorous conversation
spleen venting
unburdening
getting things off my chest
putting the world to rights
not drunk but pleasantly tipsy
i stumble homewards from kwanghwamun to hongdae
singing along with my mp3
it takes an hour
it is two am
finally i give up
and cadge a taxi home to mangwon
tonight i got an instinct
that fortune favours the brave
that sometimes you gotta push the boat out
into uncharted waters
i've spent way too much of my life behaving
trying not to tread on anyone's toes
jumping through hoops
not upsetting the applecart
holding back
procrastinating
putting things off
last night and this morning
me and mrs f have a heated discussion about the next step
it's difficult to find the time
to talk about this kind of serious stuff
you gotta be in the right mood
and it's no good when h is there
interrupting the convo every few seconds
anyway
mrs f is at the dinner table
talking about her plans for doing some course in september
whoah! i say
you're assuming we're still gonna be here in september!
then it all comes tumbling out
i tell her how after six years i've had enough
how it's time to make a clean break
how i need the time and the space and the energy
to forge a new existence
to plough a different furrow
to live a new kind of life
closer to the soil
where snatch-and-grab earning and spending isn't the be-all and end-all
where fulfilment and quality of life is paramount
where our small fireseedlet grows up
learning to value and protect the wonders of nature
rather than to covet a beeping piece of plastic junk
from a sweatshop factory
or a sad slab of factory-farmed deadness
wrapped up in a fancy box
mrs f is a bit stunned by the sudden news bulletin
not like it's just my decision
although i am the main breadwinner
but this morning
before i leave the house
she says ok let's give it a try...

COMPULSION

i am a conduit
a channel
a medium
a valve
i write because i must
i am compelled by a mysterious force
in a process that i can neither harness nor control
i am a dog chasing its tail
a cowboy pursuing a wild mustang with a lassoo
i am possessed by spirits
who or what guides me?
a magician?
a puppeteer?
a muse?
a cosmic overlord?
a mischievious monkey god?
a vengeful goddess?
an all-powerful all-seeing eye?
that moves my lips to hum melodies
my hand to scribble lyrics and poetry and prose
my fingers to pluck the strings or strike the keyboard
i am a conduit
a channel
a medium
a valve

MAY BE

a path in the forest forks
a road in the desert extends in both directions
as far as the eye can see
an unsignposted crossroads punctuates a featureless landscape
a brace of suitors propose on bended knee
twin sirens beckon demurely from rocks
a coin flips in mid air slow motion
a pair of fists extend
hiding their contents
dice tumble on green beige
a hand of playing cards is stuck on 14
twist or stick?
twist and bust?
two straws clutched in a grip
one long
and one short