IDENTITY CRISIS

i am he
as you are he
as you are me
and we are all together

planning a little get-away for two
in order to sell-berate mrs f's 'special' birthday next month
i suddenly remember my passport's expired
talk about a birthday
renewing a passport marks the passage of a whole deck-aid
now ye olde red tape n form filling
sit pretty much at the top of my pet annoyances list
(say no 2 id, folks)
but i had 0 id-ea what i was letting myself in for here...
i wade through the form
and the pages n pages of notes
breathe a sigh of relief that this aint my first passaporte
which now entails having an interview
(just like getting a job folks!)
i write in the right-coloured pen in the right boxes
eventually track down the damage on the website
a cool 72 squid
plus 4 squid for photos
plus another 7 squid for their 'check n send' service
(hey someone's making a nice little killing outta this)
at the post office
before i get the mug-shot
i study the two-page full colour guide
to what you can and cannae have in your photo
anal retentiveness reigns supreme here
as elsewhere
i'm so busy making sure that my head aint too big or small
that my hair doesn't look daft
that my eyes are in the right place
that my mouth is closed
that i'm not grinning
the result is a real scowl
yep - i would comfortably pass as a lifer at winson green
now i'm at the counter
the teller looks uncomfortable
as she compares my new passport foto to my old one
'i'd recommend' she says
'that you get your form countersigned
i'm not sure you're recognisable from your previous photo
...you have changed quite a lot'
oops!
there was me pondering how little i have changed
since feb 98
discounting the discarded ponytail
and the newly acquired facial hair
it's me
honest, officer
it is me
where are you taking me?
is this some kind of joke?
HEY IT'S ME!
IT'S MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!