JOB APPLICATION

dear sir or madam
i am delighted to apply for the position advertised
in this month's edition of 'the art of living'
i believe that my talents skills and experience
will make you a real asset to my organisation
efficiency and panache are my watchwords
'failure' and 'can't' do not form part of my vocabulary
my maturity speaks for itself
i think it is true to say
that i have been around the block a few times
done my time on the fairway
played a few rounds
and sunk a few putts
(not to mention my prowess at sinking a few
at the nineteenth hole!)
you will not be surprised to hear
that i am renowned for my sense of humour
dry wit
verbal dexterity
and intelligent repartee
in fact my friends tell me i can be extremely punny
when i put my mind to it!
i can also keep a cool head when the heat is on
while others around me lose theirs
as they fumble with the aircon remote
(mine is a tall lemonade with ice
shaken but not stirred)
multi-tasking is another forte
particularly when it comes to sipping a good espresso
whilst listening to music and contemplating a fine view
always up to date with the lastest fad
my green office credentials are finely developed
woe betide the colleague
who leaves his computer unattended
without shutting down to conserve power
when i am in the vicinity
i can blow the whistle for england
no wasted v's on me!
likewise if you need someone to get the job done
whatever it takes
look no further
i have a natural flair for delegating tasks to colleagues
freeing myself up for more interesting projects
in fact my man management skills
mark me out from the crowd
i always buy the first round
and more often than not i am reciprocated
please do not mistake my laidback demeanour
my approachability and my sociability
for slothfulness
i like a challenge
but i am also conscious of the need
to maintain an appropriate work-life balance
let me just say that i like to stop and smell the roses
while they are still in bloom
here i should point out
that i absolutely deplore sexual harrassment
unless of course i happen to be on the receiving end
in fact i am a vehement supporter of equal opportunities
and would rarely if ever sleep with a female colleague
without her permission
and on the strict condition
that work and pleasure be kept separate
with no strings attached
i should add that i am a happily married man
with a young family
and am not generally one for office affairs in any case
needless to say you will be contacting me shortly
to discuss how i can transform your organisation
until then
i am yours faithfully
ed hunter