TOOL TALK

okay gather round everyone and listen up
now this is a crow bar
this baby's a five foot one
but you can get six and even eight footers
like people
a crowbar is used for breaking up hard stubborn earth
like this clay soil
as well as for acts of criminality
it's got different shaped points on each end
check there are no shards of metal on the shaft before you use it
it ain't a swinging tool so you can wear gloves
bend your knees to avoid hurting your back
when you carry it hold it at the point of balance
when you put it down don't drop it
let your knuckles touch the ground before you let go...
now this is a rabbiting spade
also known as carmel's breakfast spoon
it's good for digging deep holes with nice straight sides
check the handle is securely attached to the shaft before you use it
use the ball of your foot when digging
don't use the middle of your foot
cos you can hurt your tendons
or your heel
cos your foot can slip and you can cut yourself
carry it by your side
with the blade pointing away from you...
this is a spirit level
you use it to check that posts are properly vertical
and rails are properly horizontal
it's a precision instrument so don't chuck it around
and don't leave it somewhere it could get trodden on
when you've finished using it
return it to the tool area...
these are wire cutters for cutting through gabions
when you carry them hold the lower handle
to avoid the jaws opening accidentally and giving you a nip
don't leave em in the long grass
as they can easily get lost
return them to the tool area...
this is a mattock
it's similar to a pickaxe
used for breaking up moderately hard earth
it's a swinging tool so don't wear gloves
the shaft and head are seperate
to make the tool easier to carry and store
when you put it together
you should be able to slide the head down the shaft
until it's about two inches from the bottom
if it can go any further don't use it as the head might fly off
when you're working
check there's no-one behind you
so you don't take a swing and hit them on the head
let the weight of the tool do the work
rather than your back...
this is tanalised timber
to prolong its life
it's been treated with a cocktail of nasty preservatives
including arsenic
when you carry it use gloves to protect your hands
and don't carry it over your shoulder
as you can get splinters in your neck...
as we're near water there are lots of rats
and lots of rat pee on site
which means there's a risk of leptospirosis or weil's disease
it's a nasty illness that attacks the spleen and other organs
and it can be fatal
make sure you wash your hands with soap and water
before you eat, drink or smoke
initial symptoms are similar to flu
but it can be treated with antibiotics if caught early enough...

the path slopes gently down the side of the reservoir
to a disabled access fishing platform
thick oozy mud clings to our boots like a spurned lover
spattering up and flying into our eyes
stray doggo lies every which way you turn
there is limitless potential for double entendres
when you're doing this kind of work
trev wants his hole filling
can you come and hold my end?
tool talk, anyone?
there are some characters
andy keeps reminding anyone who'll listen
about the hotdogs he's got for his dinner
ian will give the ground a brief prod with the crowbar
before wondering off for fifteen minutes
lee threatens to smash everyone's face in
pat's got a good line in corny jokes
did you hear about those two lads the police caught the other day?
one was drinking battery acid
the other was eating fireworks
one got charged
the other was let off
matt doesn't like the nuts channel
he thinks there's too much pornography on telly
as for derek
he's in his own world
but he enjoys sniggering at the smutty banter