NO COMPETITION

this afternoon
whim-bull-done ladies' tennis final
the williams sisters pitted against each other
tall elegant elder sibling venus
versus not-quite-so-tall chunky younger sib serena
playing out their intimate sisterly rivalry
before an audience of millions
despite myself i find i'm rooting for venus
daughter number one
but also the underdog according to the commentators
meanwhile brother john's supporting serena of course
our own version of sibling rivalry played out on the couch
venus and i get the rosebowl - yes!
competition
competitiveness
engine of the free market economy
an innate inbuilt human trait
widely regarded as a virtue
in western culture at least
was i competitive when i was growing up?
you bet!
any game was worth playing as long as i won
victorious scrabble matches against my mom, dad n nan
made me feel grown-up and clever
endless monopoly victories chalked up over my neighbourhood pals
built up a superiority complex to be proud of
lost in my private little ego-charged world
i basked in the glory of invented 'gang records'
where i continually triumphed over the other local kids
setting amazing new standards by the week
drunk on self-aggrandisement
on mum's olivetti typewriter
i churned out match reports in the style of the newspapers
documenting my latest heroics at football or cricket
in junior school
we sat in rows of desks according to our test results
cleverest boy next to cleverest girl at the front nearest the door
snaking in boy-girl pairs all the way across the room
to thickest boy and thickest girl
right under teacher's nose
yours truly sat proudly next to brainy tiffany bell
just behind the unassailable richard wood
destined for greatness
in the junior playground
rather than playing footy with my peers
i joined in with my brother's classmates 3 years below me
so that i could be the star
pick the teams
keep the younger kids in a state of suspended awe
you get the picture:
a childhood spent as the proverbial big fish in a small pond
as i got older
of course i started to find it harder to get my own way
or to engineer my superiority against an inferior opponent
university games of squash against rich cannon
were a complete humiliation
chess against chris smith was fun
until he improved his game and started consistently beating me
games of football in london with the foreign students were great
until one day under the westway
we came up against adrian from chile and the south americans
whose technical skill and flair made us look like statues
still i couldn't let it go
if i couldn't be really good at football or guitar playing
or whatever
i wanted to be the best english teacher in the school
the best materials writer
the best teacher trainer
the best manager
which was fine
until somebody better came along
and knocked me off my precarious perch
until at long last i began to see the self-delusion for what it was
the shallow ego-boost
the pride before a fall
the absolute 100% guarantee of eventual disappointment and disillusion
the artificial high
followed my the artificial low
ah humility seeds!
the only chance we have of cultivating genuine happiness
so easy to talk the talk
so hard to walk the walk
yet another string to the bow
of the art of living