BOARDING

hello february
it's good to see your full moon and your bright days
but where on earth did january disappear to...?

i stare down a precipitous-looking incline
the precipitous-looking incline glares insolently back up at me
and it slowly begins to dawn on me
that the 'family run' is not quite the gentle beginner's slope i was expecting
i am sitting awkwardly astride a soft orange bench
having spent the last ten minutes
struggling to attach my snowboots to the board
inserting the wrong strap into the wrong hole
- my toggling technique sucks!
bundled up in my snow gear
i can hardly reach my feet
but this is the least of my worries
for ten minutes i have been observing the other boarders
admiring the nonchalant way they step up to the ockey
and launch themselves confidently down the piste
board at right-angles to the drop
leaning back elegantly to keep balance and slow the descent
they make it all look so easy
although i feel sure that it won't be
i finally pluck up the courage to stand up
and fall backwards on my arse!
i attempt to pull myself up again
but each time i try
the board slips away from under my feet
and i'm on my arse again
i inch forward on my behind to the top of the slope
and see no conceivable way of even standing up
there is no-one to help me
i already feel like a beetle lying on its back
waving its legs in the air
unable to move
in fact the insect analogy is a good one
as this fast turns into one of my life's more humiliating experiences
while little kids, teenagers, mums and dads, middle-aged skiers float past
i have still failed to even stand up
and in the process of trying
i am being inexorably dragged into a ditch running down the side of the slope
which won't let me escape
the words of a friend advising me to pay for a lesson
echo through my brain
after half an hour or so
i have fallen and slid about thirty yards into a ditch...!

the signs have not been auspicious
we overslept this morning
and were seconds away from missing the only bus of the day
h is in a grumpy and clingy mood
she bursts into tears every time mummy so much as disappears out of view
we arrive hungrily at bearstown resort needing brekky
but predictably there is absolutely NO vegetarian food to be found
and after trooping around three restaurants for about twenty minutes
j and friend gyoung-ah order hangover soup for themselves and the kids
while i nibble disconsolately on some nutrition-free cake
full of egg and ingredients imported all the way from the usa
and sip yukky instant coffee
we have escaped the acoustic pollution of the seoul metropolis
and arrived in a mountain idyll
only to find the resort's overtaxed tannoy system
blaring out a horribly distorted version of 'Maria'
a current pop hit in sk
is the gentle meditative sound of skis on snow not sufficient?
we then negotiate the confusing process of sorting ski pass and equipment hire
they do have the right size boots
but the trousers were designed for an oliver hardy, not a stan laurel
j, g-a and the girls head for the sledging area
and leave me to scramble onto the ski-lift...

all the time i watch what other boarders are doing
most of them zip past effortlessly
sprinkling flailing insect-man with a complementary dusting of snow
but one or two bail out during the initial sharp descent
and i pick up a useful tip for standing up
whereby from a sitting position
i have to heave my board up vertical
pivot on the end of it
and roll over rather pathetically onto my stomach
i can then stand up facing the slope with the board at an incline
i have a eureka moment and succeed in finally standing up...!
only for the wretched board to shoot out from underneath me
and dump me on my arse again for the unmpteenth time
after a few rounds of this
i finally manage to manouevre into a position
where my board is actually pointing down the slope like a skateboard
this proves to be fatal, however
as i accelerate at terrifying speed
then - crack!
i fall on the base of my spine
which sends shockwaves up to the back of my head
in total frustration
i unfasten my boots, pick up my board
and plod down the remainder of the run
dragging my sore tail between my legs...

it feels like heaven to be released from my insect-man straitjacket
and seeking solace
i walk over to see how the girls are getting on
they are in a cafe having lunch
i tell them i am thinking of giving up and returning the quipment
but j says i look really professional in my boarding gear
which massages the old ego a bit
and makes me resolve to have another go...
when i get to the top of the 'little bear'
i wish i had started off here this morning
it is still a bit steep at the top
but definitely a more gentle run in general
the first few minutes are not much better than before
and i end up in the ditch again
but i feel like i am making progress
then suddenly i am up and flying
for the first time the wind is in my ears
and i know what i am here for...
then abruptly i lose balance
and spin into a kind of slow-motion cartwheel
twist!
my outstretched wrist attempts to soften the fall from this high-speed blow-out
crack!
the base of my spine hits terra ultra firma
crack!
the rear of my skull follows suit
and i am lying on my back
gazing up at the blue blue yonder
wondering whether i have done myself some serious damage
my head is throbbing
but i realise i am not going to pass out
that was a warning!
wondering whether it is safe to continue
i gingerly pull myself up
and with my back to the descent
try to angle my board into the slope to control my speed
concentrating furiously
arms outstretched to counter the wobble
knees bent forward
neglected calf muscles burning like hell
and miraculously this technique works!
i discover i can zig-zag down this way
with the board almost perpendicular to the slope
without losing control
even though it is difficult to see where i am going
or who might be in the way...
on the next run i only fall about twice
and then i am away
slaloming down
slowly gathering speed and confidence
and whooping for joy!
i manage another four runs
with hardly a fall
on the journey home
i feel triumphant
even though my whole body is hurting
and i feel a hundred years old
i guess a little perseverance can pay dividends...